What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is a range of behaviors used to exert control or establish power by one intimate partner over the other. The range of behaviors can include psychological, emotional, verbal, sexual, financial, spiritual, and physical abuse, as well as stalking and threatening behaviors.

Abuse and violence are learned behaviors and as such, can be unlearned. People who are abusive are responsible for their behavior and should be held accountable for their actions by the legal and judicial systems, media, friends, family, co-workers and communities.

A few of the most common ways abusers control victims:

• Isolation
• Emotional abuse
• Using children
• Dominating finances and family resources
• Physical and sexual assault

Forms of Abuse

Verbal Abuse - Making you feel bad about yourself. Saying you caused the abuse. Yelling, screaming, name-calling, put-downs, cussing, threats to harm you, children, pets or another person. Threats to spread rumors, gossip, post your personal information or pictures on the internet or in email or texting. Threats to take children, to commit suicide, using sarcasm, putting you partner down for your religious beliefs or ethnic background. Verbal abuse can take place in person, over the phone, in letters, through email, texting or other means.

Emotional Abuse - Manipulation, denial, withdrawal, control, extreme jealousy and possessiveness, blaming the abuse on you, humiliation, making you think that you are crazy, FEAR, guilt trips. Threaten to out you, insults or belittles your sexual orientation or threaten to revel your HIV status.

Physical Abuse - Pushing, shoving, hitting, slapping, choking, hair-pulling, punching, grabbing, kicking, biting, shaking, burning, using a weapon against you (i.e., knives, guns, heavy objects...), threatening to harm you, murder.

Sexual Abuse - Forcing or threatening you to perform sexual acts you don't want to do or that cause pain or humiliation; rape; physically attacking the sexual parts of your body, forcing you to have sex with others. Getting you drunk or using drugs to get sex.

Intimidation - Using force, throwing objects, punching a hole in a wall, making threats to harm, threaten to leave, commit suicide or report you to the police, destroying property, making you do illegal things, threatening to hurt family, friends, children and pets, smashing things, displaying or handling of guns or other weapons, intimidating body language (angry looks, raised voice), hostile questioning, reckless driving, stalking.

Isolation - Controlling what you do, who you see and talk to, where you go; keeping you from making friends, talking to family, having a job, having any money, etc. Using their jealousy to justify their actions, possessive of your time.

Denial of Rights - Not allowing you to have any privacy, locking you up in a room, tying you to a chair, forcing you to go without food or water, not allowing you to bathe, hiding necessary medication.

Economic Abuse - Stealing your money, forcing you to give up your money, controlling how all of the money is spent, making you steal, only allowing you to have a small allowance, making you work, not letting you work, making you show receipts for everything you buy, keeping track of the mileage in the car.

What Are the Warning Signs of Domestic Violence?

The following is a list of early warning signs that someone may be abusive. This list was put together by survivors of domestic violence who reflected on the early phases of the battering relationship and identified some of the early warning signs of abusers.

Somone who:

• Wants to move too quickly into the relationship.
• Does not honor your boundaries.
• Is excessively jealous and falsely accuses you of cheating.
• Wants to know where you are all of the time and frequently calls, emails and texts you throughout the day.
• Criticizes you or puts you down; most commonly tells you that you are "crazy," "stupid" and/or "fat," or that no one would ever want or love you.
• Says one thing and does another.
• Takes no responsibility for their behavior and blames others.
• Has a history of battering.
• Blames the entire failure of previous relationships on their partner; for example, "My ex was a total bitch."
• Grew up in an abusive or violent home.
• Insists that you stop spending time with your friends or family.
• Seems "too good to be true."
• Insists that you stop participating in leisure interests.
• Rages out of control and is impulsive.

Pay attention to the “red flags “and trust your instincts. Survivors of domestic violence frequently report that their instincts told them that there was something wrong early on but they disregarded the warning signs and didn’t know that these signs were indicative of an abusive relationship. Always take time to get to know a potential partner and watch for patterns of behavior in a variety of settings. Keeping in touch with your support system and participating in good self-care can lower your risk of being involved in an abusive relationship.

Who are Victims?

Anybody can be a victim — rich or poor, any race, age, or religion. High school drop-out or Ph.D. Studies have shown no characteristic link between personality type and being a victim. If you are worried about yourself or a loved one, help is available.

Who are Abusive Partners?

Like victims, domestic violence abusive partners come from all backgrounds. However, abusers do share some characteristics in that they tend to justify their abusive behaviors, fail to take responsibility for the abuse and use similar tactics to gain and maintain power and control over their partners.

Abusers typically present a different personality outside of their relationship than they do to their intimate partner, which complicates victims' ability to describe their experience and seek assistance.

Domestic violence is still overwhelmingly a problem of male violence against women. Here are a few statistics that may clarify the issue. These are a compilation of stats from Bureau of Justice Statistics, National Institute of Justice and the Centers for Disease Control.

• Women comprise 84% of spouse abuse victims and 86% of victims abused by a boyfriend or girlfriend.
• Nearly 75% of murder victims killed by an intimate partner are women.
• While the number of male victims killed by an intimate partner fell an average of 4% per year from 1976-1998, the number of female victims fell only by an average of 1% per year.

Domestic Violence Myths & Facts

MYTH: Domestic violence does not affect many people.

FACT: A woman is beaten every 15 seconds. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between ages 15 and 44 in the United States - more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined. Battered women are more likely to suffer miscarriages and to give birth to babies with low birth weights.

MYTH: Battering is only a momentary loss of temper.

FACT: Battering is the establishment of control and fear in a relationship through violence and other forms of abuse. The batterer uses acts of violence and a series of behaviors, including intimidation, threats, psychological abuse, isolation, etc. to coerce and to control the other person. The violence may not happen often, but it remains as a hidden (and constant) terrorizing factor. One in five women victimized by their spouses or ex-spouses report they had been victimized over and over again by the same person.

MYTH: Domestic violence only occurs in poor, urban areas.

FACT: Women of all cultures, races, occupations, income levels, and ages are battered - by husbands, boyfriends, lovers and partners. Approximately one-third of the men counseled (for battering) are professional men who are well respected in their jobs and their communities. These have included doctors, psychologists, lawyers, ministers, and business executives.

MYTH: Domestic violence is just a push, slap or punch - it does not produce serious injuries.

FACT: Battered women are often severely injured - 22 to 35 percent of women who visit medical emergency rooms are there for injuries related to ongoing partner abuse. One in four pregnant women has a history of partner violence.

MYTH: It is easy for battered women to leave their abuser.

FACT: Women who leave their batterers are at a 75% greater risk of being killed by the batterer than those who stay. Nationally, 50% of all homeless women and children are on the streets because of violence in the home. There are nearly three times as many animal shelters in the United States as there are shelters for battered women and their children

MYTH: Domestic violence is not very common. It is a private, family matter and other people should mind their own business.

FACT: Domestic violence occurs every nine seconds in the U.S. The Office of the Surgeon General reports "wife beating" results in more injuries that require medical treatment than auto accidents, muggings, and rapes combined. Every year domestic violence adds three to five billion dollars to our country's healthcare costs.

MYTH: The victim brought the domestic violence on herself. If she just behaved better, it wouldn't happen.

FACT: No one deserves to be punched, kicked, slapped, or threatened with a weapon. Domestic violence is a cycle which occurs more frequently with increased severity as the relationship continues. The attacks do not stop just because the victim changes her behavior. The only thing the victim can do to escape the violence is to leave.

Domestic Violence Statistics

• 1 in 4 women in California will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.
• An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.
• Boys who witness domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their own partners and children when they become adults.
• In California 134 homicides resulted from intimate partner violence in 2006. 110 of the victims were women, 24 were men.
• Violence perpetrated against women by intimates is often accompanied by emotionally abusive and controlling behavior.
• Women whose partners were jealous, controlling, or verbally abusive are significantly more likely to report being raped, physically assaulted, and/or stalked by their partners.
• About 6 in 10 female and male victims of intimate partner violence who are injured did not seek professional medical treatment for their injuries.
• About 85% of victimizations by intimate partners in 1998 were against women.
• 60% of female homicide victims were wives or intimate acquaintances of their killers.
• 1 in 5 female teenagers experience physical or sexual dating violence.
• Girls experiencing physical and sexual dating violence were 4-6 times more likely to become pregnant than non-abused peers. They were 8-9 times more likely to have attempted suicide in the previous years than non-abused peers.
• 25% of teens reported they knew at least one person who had been physically struck by a person they were dating.
• 9% of girls and 6% of boys have already experienced some sort of dating violence before they reach the 9th grade.
• A study of nearly 2,000 8th and 9th grade students revealed that 35.5% of dating adolescents reported being a victim of at least one nonsexual dating violence act, and 10.7% of these students had been a victim of at least one sexual dating violence act.

Statistics references from National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (#1-4)& CALCASA 2008 Report (#5-13).