What can you do if your friend is in an abusive relationship? Most of the time abuse takes place when the couple is alone, you might not even see visible signs of abuse on your friend. Listen to your instincts, you probably wouldn’t be worried if there wasn’t reason to be. If you suspect a friend is in a controlling or abusive relationship, it's difficult to help. It often takes seven attempts for a victim to leave a relationship. That can be frustrating for those who want their loved one to get out sooner.

Warning Signs

Warning Signs that your friend may be experiencing abuse and needs help:

• Their partner calls them names and puts them down, even in front of others
• Their partner acts extremely jealous when your friend talks to someone of the opposite sex, even when it is completely innocent
• Your friend cancels plans at the last minute, and gives excuses that seem untrue
• Your friend frequently apologizes for their partner, and their partner constantly checks up on them, calling and texting, demanding to know where they’ve been.
• You’ve seen their partner lose their temper, and maybe even get violent when mad
• Your friend is always worried about upsetting their partner
• Your friend’s weight, appearance, and dress style have suddenly changed; or they’ve given up on things that were once important to them
• They have unexplained injuries

Support

Talking with your friend can make a big difference to them. It can be difficult to know what to say, especially if you haven’t dealt with an issue like this before.

Try this:

• Listen to what they have to say first.
• Talk to them in private, and keep what they say confidential.
• Give the victim three key assurances: "You don't deserve this;" "This is not your fault;" and "I believe you."
• Tell the victim you think he or she might be in danger.
• Give them the information for our local 24 hr. crisis line (530)244-0117.
• Let them know you are available for them to talk to.
• Give the victim phone numbers of domestic violence resources, such as the Shasta Women’s Refuge at (530)244-5683 or the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE or visit their website www.thehotline.org
• Call and ask what you can do to help your friend.
• Don't tell the victim what to do. Abusers often prevent victims from making decisions. Telling the victim what to do could sound controlling, like the abuser.
• Ask the victim where he or she would go if he or she decided to leave. Help her or him think about making a plan.
• If the victim is in danger of immediate abuse, call 9-1-1.
• Let your friend know why you are concerned, maybe even use specific examples of incidences that YOU witnessed if there are any
• Offer to help get your friend information
• Mention other people your friend could talk to for support, like a family member, teacher, or counselor

DON’T do the following:

• Be judgmental, especially if your friend makes excuses for their partner or confides they don’t want to break up with them
• Make them feel stupid or ashamed. Your friend may have already felt too embarrassed to talk to you about the relationship
• Ask lots of ‘yes or no’ questions. Your friend needs to be able to talk about what they are experiencing
• Force your friend to make decisions or give them an ultimatum, THEY have to be the one to decide to get help or end the relationship. You can never do this for them.